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The Separation


There was no definitive place in space-time when I left society. There was no definitive place in space-time when society left me. Both occurred gradually, over a number of years. When it was complete, however, my separation from The Society of Normals split the atoms of my psyche, and in a chain reaction of thoughts, feelings and events, the world – the social universe surrounding me – became foreign soil. Slowly and methodically, the tongued jargon with which I was familiar as a child became unrecognizable. The Society of Normals’ language was now unintelligible, a mishmash of nefarious under- and overtones, discordant hues unmatched with any colors I had previously encountered.

As much as I adored and cared about humanity, humans seemed to thwart my love for the species. Humans were base and vile creatures, evildoers who attacked others without thought, provocation or remorse. Human ugliness was the sole reality.

My distaste for humans spread faster than a gangrenous foot fungus. The vapid skin around my toes turned black, a sign of the necrotic feelings I harbored against these aliens. Those feelings climbed quickly — up my leg, into my gut and finally robbing my once-bleeding heart of its life-sustaining oxygen.

While humans were concretely evil, humanity was an abstraction, an ideal to which to aspire however unrealistic that vision was. Gravitating toward that ideal afforded me the luxury of understanding and accepting people’s shortcomings, possibly including my own.

My separation from society had been years in the making. With people, I felt apart; without them, I felt a sense of belonging. That is where I fit in.



From Me and That Little Bird

My daughter's birthday is today.
I wrote her this poem and thought I would share it here:

A little birdie chirped to me
"Your daughter is turning eight."
I rose my arms up to the stars, declaring
"Isn't THIS just GREAT!?"

I pondered for a second
Wondering what this Daddy could ask for
The answer came to me in a flash
Certainly, there is no more

And when I think of my daughter
Only good things come to mind
A treasure full of gemstones
Does not compare to what's inside

So on your special day
I make this to be heard
"Happy Birthday, Abbey!!"
From me and that little bird

Dedicated to my special daughter on her 8th Birthday

From her Daddy

I love you, Pumpkin.




I wrote a couple of poems before I wrote this but lost them.
This is my third poem. I wrote it in the Summer of 1996
after going AWOL from the U.S. Navy. At the time, I was unmedicated
and living on the streets of Seattle, Washington. Enjoy! :-)

My Big Brother said
They're dirty and nasty
And spread germs to your head

They all carry bugs
On the tips of their feathers
And pass them along
In all kinds of weather

In the park there's a sign
The police will come get you
You'll pay a nice fine

He said with a squeal
They reproduce quickly
With every damn meal

And what about me
In my tatterclad form?
Am I dirty and nasty
And out of the norm?

Do I carry bugs
On the scales of my skin
And lend them to neighbors
Again and again?

He paused for a moment
Without even an utter
Then he began
In a crescendoing mutter

This is absurd
My Gawd deemed it right!
Here is your sandwich!!
Now get out of my sight!!!

So I sat and I ate
And I searched for the gist
Of the paradoxical pigeons
And this logical twist

August 08, 1996


Living Poor Can Make You Rich (or Poor people are…)

Poor people are…(fill in the blanks)

How would you “fill in the blanks”?  I will share my answers in a moment.

I want to begin this post by letting you know that I grew up fairly well-off financially – especially for the small town in which I was raised.  My parents were both teachers and while we struggled a bit in the early years, financially speaking our situation got better pretty quickly.

By many standards, the house where I grew up was nice; the neighborhood was filled primarily with college-educated, fairly affluent citizens.

In 1989, I started my college career.  In 1994, I graduated having studied a pre-med curriculum.  My intent was to go on to medical school, and part of the reason for me doing so was the money and prestige that comes with that place in society.  I didn’t make it to medical school.

Know what?  I’m glad I didn’t.  Prestige, power, and dollars can be a pitfall for some.  I know they were for me.  And, they all led to one combined thought, feeling, and attitude:  “I’m better than you are.”

Shrugging that superiority complex has been a long, difficult process.  I thank numerous people for helping me along the way – too many people to count.  I also thank my disorder.  Without it, I would most likely be a very different person, a person that today’s version of me would have trouble looking at in the mirror.

One of the best things to come out of my schizophrenia experience can be summed up in one sentence: I’m not important.

Maybe a more politically correct sentence would be:  I’m no more important than anyone else.  And, even when I had money, I was no important than anyone else. 

That is one very important lesson that I have learned by living poor.

So, here are my “fill in the blanks,” kind of a before and after snapshot:


Poor people are – lazy, dirty, needy, unworthy of respect, less important, dangerous


Poor people are – not necessarily lazy or dirty, not always needy*, definitely worthy of respect, equally as important as anyone else, humble, oftentimes brutally honest, community-driven (we tend to take care of each other), no more dangerous than the rest of the population, just trying to survive like most everyone else

*I put this asterisk after “not always needy,” because some poor people are in fact needy.  However, that isn’t always our fault.  Sometimes, due to disability or societal constraints and discrimination, we don’t get that lucrative job or that well-deserved promotion.  Besides, when it comes to “needy,” can you say “corporate welfare”?

In closing, many good things have happened to me because I am financially poor.  I have definitely seen another side of life.  And, this experience has made me richer than I have ever imagined I would be.

Hope you enjoyed this weekend’s offering and that you are well.

Take care and best wishes…


Update: The Good, The Better, and The Best!

Hello, All!  Nice to see that we have some new faces here.  Just want to give everyone a great big THANK YOU!! for stopping by my blog.  I really do hope that the information you find on here is worthwhile to you.

And now for a less topic-driven post, an update on how and what I am doing:


This is really good news that I just received yesterday.  It was something I already kind of knew but to hear it from my psychologist was very gratifying and rewarding.  What did he say?

“You’re stable.”

Sigh.  I feel good.  The fight has been worth it.  There are still challenges that I face, but most of those seem to be related to my goals and ambitions for the future (more on that in a bit).

So, I’m stable. I mean, I’M STABLE!!  🙂  I owe a great big thanks to a lot of people.  One of those persons is a past psychologist of mine who allowed me to grow and explore and believe in myself.  Dr. Nancy, if you’re reading this, thank you.  It was my pleasure to work with you.  You taught me a great, great deal.

And, although we’re no longer on speaking terms, I would be remiss if I didn’t thank my biological family.  Although our relationship may be irreparable, there were times when they tried.  And that is worth noting.

Lots of others I’d like to thank.  My South Carolina friend.  My California chat buddy…especially her, because of the crap she puts up with me!  (wink)  And, all of my friends from the NAMI message boards.  Thanks to everyone there, too!  And, to those of you who have spent time on my blog…thanks.


Yes, it gets better!  I’m going back to school in the spring!  Going to take Introduction to Business, and if all goes well with that course, I’ll go for an advanced accounting certificate.  So, I am very excited about that!  🙂


The best by far?  I get to see my daughter today.  That’s way better than any of the other great things that are happening in my life right now.

Hey, I hope that you are doing well…or at least okay.  And, if you are struggling on this day, please drop me a line.  You can post a comment here or I’ll leave my e-mail address at the end of this post.  If I can, I will try to help.  After all, we have two hands…one for helping ourselves and one for helping others (Audrey Hepburn said that).

Take care and best wishes…



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