Tonight, I had a conversation with myself. It went like this:


“What good does carrying all that anger do?”

“Not much,” I replied.

“What can you do to lighten that load?”

“I’m not sure.”

“C’mon, think. Don’t be lazy; this is important.”

“Okay, I could talk about it in therapy.”

“All right! That’s a start, but try to think of something more original.”

“I could smile more.”

“Sure! Go for it. But dig a little deeper. What can you do that would help you feel less angry all the time?”

“I’m not sure.”

“C’mon man, think!”

“Well, I hear a lot about random acts of kindness…”

“You’re on the right track!”

“Hey, I know!”


“I could practice kindness!”

“Yes! And how are you going to do that?”

“I could have a Kindness Quota.”

“You bet you could! What would that look like?”

“I could start by doing one act of kindness a week.”

“Just one a week?”

“Hey, cut me some slack. I’m a beginner.”



An underdog huddles while
The troops muster for war
Coach Cooper barks to his team
What’s the fucking score?!

A soldier with a heavy heart
Lies drably across his pack
As the coach beseeches his players

A comrade spots the soldier
With his hands cupping his head
The coach shouts to his assistant
Put Number 20 in, instead!!

The game that they are playing
Is against a hated crosstown rival
The soldier’s friend walks nearer
To him, this is survival

What’s wrong, he asks his friend
Already knowing the answer
Coach C demands more effort
Even though he is dying from cancer

He told his team last night
That he was battling for his life
Right after he told his daughters
His mother...and his wife

I don’t know if I can do this
The soldier’s voice is weak
As tears form in their ducts
And fall upon his cheeks

Get over here, Number 20!
Her name is Margie Brown
I want just one more moment
With my child to clown around

I know, his friend says softly
So that no one else can hear
We’re underdogs in this game!
We have no time for fear!!

I know, Coach C, I know
Margie Brown begins to weep
Being soldiers isn’t easy
When there are many mines to sweep

Then the coach pulls Margie aside
As the First Sergeant overhears the two
I know this isn’t easy
For me and neither for you

At ease, the First Sergeant says
His eyes a glassy blue
I know this isn’t easy
For me and neither for you

But I need you to be sharp
And ready for the kill
Now, get out there and fight and


the local
labeled me:


she even nailed a sign
on my cage, saying so
so i busted the
shit out of my cage and
burned the fucker down, i
escaped the zoo
now i’m no longer


may 29, 2015

Kind of Like Kin (and Barbary)

and saw bird yesterday whose name mustve been larry legend who wasnt green white maybe white cuz after all birds symbols peace just like white peaces pieces people blown to reeses pieces to eat them in name peace selfrighteous nations whose job is bring birds white to nations with stations i must die they must die radio free amerika good guys our side some damn god our side is it our front they know my game theyre coming to get me no hesheit must have our back were good theyre evil everyone knows they black we white glory glory hallelujah jesus loved regardless color amen a special message for each of them wwjcd what jackie chan do make funny movies about it from sea shining sea is one shines underdog wood no underdogs are losers turn winners cuz opponents dont take them seriously like tennis matches between good evil like jackie chan rugrats mansions they built it just for you don’t believe me rearrange letters abcdefg what would santa santas satan he built the dungeon do to me hijklmnop lump of coal stock market for me qrstuv put me over big fat knee wxyandz then i know too much i see next time wont you skate me ed is walking into the seattle public library skate once knew girl named kate didn’t like skate though she sure did like getting wet what i heard means she liked run through yard sprinkler hot sunny days hate summer makes me wet when i go outside not good kind wet sweat kind wet like vet on jet whos treating pet wood hate to be veterinarian putting animals down cuz theyre too old too sick just cuz they too bothersome for prick owners hey prick owners over here youre too bothersome two are ones who should be put down hate putdowns wastes time everyone knows its bad waste spices stitch thyme saves rhyme put that in your goddam pigtails smoke it supposedly swine are pretty goddam smart maybe is why we eat em one day we hope be ass smart they are be or not be not be thank you very much the vise grips turned one turn at a time not be so fucked up head like head pencil worn down too much use like pair old levis a morbid breath like levi wholey bibble dribble scribble noxious nibble who hell was he anyway elton john is one my favorite singerssongwriters sir elton john now cuz he got knighted must carry sword makes fun all other elton johns world cuz no one can address them ass sir cuz none rest those schmucks has been knighted british royalty sinking into the quicksand fuck themselves is what britain thinking anyway who needs queenskingsprincessesprinceslordsladiesdukesduchessesearls pearls all medieval crap tourism their excuse one day youre here next day youre theyre averse tourism like new orleans french quarter wear first pair titties i ever saw all jazz hall freedom ed is reading a book on ancient greek philosophy independence hall philadelphia geek philosophy united states constitution if you please was it declaration independence my duffel wheres my fucking duffel free at last free at last probably the latter platter my ladder food funny food like moo goo gai pan say ten thousand times faster you can maybe youll understand me maybe the quicksand of insanity lotsa maybes this world lotsa for sures too like valley girls omigod like für elise someone once told me van beethoven was mad who asked him mad about what she replied just he was mad teeth clenching ever tighter who didnt understand later was told hed had bipolar manicdepression same thing north south he was genius could i have bipolar disorder cuz aint no one smurter me i dont care they know my name they know my game maybe there are few motherfuckers smurter theyre here to take away my fame most people think dalai lama pretty damn smurt dumb ass wheres ventriloquist when you need someone talk you aged ventriloquist experienced like ronald wilson mondale ferraro probably got it threesome on nineteen eightyfour orson welles maybe lotsa maybes this world kind doubt it though infinity is far away democratsrepublicansindies gotta love em dont gotta love anything anytime theyre coming to get me to take me away rulers schoolers twelve inches equals foot my what big feet you have theyd be big anywhere youd be alone anyway anywhere like lone survivor plane crashed some uncharted deserted island gilligan skipper two millionaire infinity is within me his wife professor mary ann here on i missed one where ginger fits in with thyme oh well no man island island stream that is what i am i aint shit but biggest baddest smurtest motherfucker streets five feet nine half inches tall one hundred seventy pounds who wood get shit kicked by shirley temple so whos kidding now sing it out loud its good ship lollipop who jumped ship told who must die they all must die united states navy go fuck themselves absent without leave awol sing out louder so long farewell auf wiedersehen goodbye so long been good know ya dont let door hit you ass your way out goddam need break where is my goddam fucking duffel brake my brain already broken break my brakes no car no boat knot single luxury like robinson crusoe primitive can be sit right back youll hear tale rabbits tail is tale foot brings good luck these goddam vise grips hurt like a motherfuck i dont think schooler foot cuz i had one those i was kid frankly my dear life didnt give damn who does whoover gave dam dam was named after him clueless motherfucker after they are receiving my messages stock market crashed who over went dam who new what hit sure mustve crashed hard cuz lotsa people felt really awful afterward für long time twosome were hospitalized never really fond lot of people crowds they are looking at me through me tweak me out is it freak me out who freaking cares freak my mind blank freak what happens blank brain freak my brain is like train been slain plain which are kind fun cuz theres rush they know I dont belong here when you take off land i dont sea how they are able take off from land sometimes they land see makes me just want pee rusherrific corny play words who was play back fifth grade three played lead all no joke sixth grade who played trumpet solo freaked out cuz they can read my messages cuz was crowd theyre joke on me or did I get tweaked out out like piqued freak whose interest gone but bank it was built just for you account going up by three cents month bullshit banks make killing your money you can bank like seasonal flooding river nile floods your money trickle out leaky bathroom water faucet one has been left in winter so pipes dont goddam birds of prey caws of it all freeze must live north to like your money appreciates bank more more used to have be square put life savings bank square like pioneer in seattle tourists do they see side seattle i think im schizophrenic do they pass bug infested misfits do they sea us yeah i was on their side was it their fronts mustve been their backs cuz macaroni used to have their backs their hats now their backs are hairy ugly and wheres my fucking duffel

His truth is marching on.

Written in 2008

Eugen Bleuler, Part 4: Autism

In one of my earlier blog posts, I gave you an insider’s look into what goes through the mind of a person who has paranoid schizophrenia. More appropriately, I gave you my experience. It was scary. If you haven’t read that post, or you don’t recall it well, I would recommend rereading at least the first part of it. This will help you understand the fourth component that Bleuler talked about when describing schizophrenia: Autism.

Here’s the link to that post: An Insider’s View of Schizophrenia

In posting Bleuler’s A’s, I have not done much research on them. In fact, all I have done is to take each A and put my spin on them. Spin may not be the most appropriate term. Perhaps, these are my theories of what they each mean as it pertains to my experiences. So, I do not have a clue as to what Bleuler saw in each of the A’s.This last A is no different.I have struggled a bit to figure out and describe what I think of when I hear the word “autism” used to describe schizophrenia.

This last A is no different. I have struggled a bit to figure out and describe what I think of when I hear the word “autism” used to describe schizophrenia. Through the lens of my experiences, I view autism as it pertains to my disorder as having the following equation:

Too many stimuli = withdrawal into own little world/existence (solipsism)

In fact, I would go so far as to say that an overload of stimuli causes the person who has schizophrenia to withdraw. The more stimuli that are present, the more withdrawn we become.

Imagine being in that land where you stick out and where everyone is your enemy (especially those trying the most to help you). [See “HALFTIME” for a more in-depth explanation of what I am talking about.] At first, you are paranoid of others, frightened that some psychological or physical harm will come about. Then, the people in this land begin to recognize you as being an outsider, and they begin coming toward you. Perhaps, only a few approach in the beginning, but even these few are alarming, and you begin to withdraw.

Next, these people, natives of the land in which you are trapped, begin to multiply. They come from every direction, and they bombard you with one of two things: (1) real psychological or physical harm, or (2) real caring, concern, and love, which are equally threatening to you because they are your enemies and are not to be trusted. Their concern is a veil, and underneath that veil lays danger and harm. They multiply more…and more, and more, and more, and more, until not only are you a stranger in their land but now you are a stranger in their land who has been recognized as a foreigner and who must be exterminated. There is no avoiding the inevitable. Every avenue of escape is beyond your grasps, and you are unable to fight back, because you lack that ability, because fighting back would be one of the most overwhelming social interactions you could possibly endure. How would you react?

Most people who are unfortunate enough to have this experience withdraw into their own little world, the world of hypnotic nothingness. There is no feeling in this world. There is very little, if any, thinking in this world. It is as if your faculties have shut down. The engine ran out of oil and fuel and simply stopped working. You become frigid and still. Someone could poke you with a sharp knife, and it is likely that you wouldn’t react. You would be frozen with fear. That is what this last A meant to me.

Thank you for reading this series. I hope it helped you understand schizophrenia a bit better.



Puns save lives.

G. de Suys

poet/playwright contact: © 2018


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